The decision to walk away from domestic abuse can be one of the hardest decisions a woman who has been emotionally , physically and mentally abused can make. The side of the population who thinks “just walk away”, you see about that, I’ve been on that end of the of the spectrum. Domestic abuse and that “easy walk away ” approach can be found in that ugly , dreary, shade of gray that no one wants to talk about. Well I’m going to talk about it, why because it’s happening on the daily basis and you know who is suffering as well if not more?
Walking away is the beginning of the battle but when I tell you the war Rages on far beyond that day you walk away , it doesn’t get easier but the decision to leave is the best one.
So you’ve shed your last tear, put concealer on the latest black eye, you start feeling like I made it through another episode, only until you talk back and he chokes you. He chokes you and your baby walks in , turns around and walks out with his Lightening McQueen sippy cup and turns the tv on in the living room. I know the walk, I know the struggle and I know that I can not with any amount of encouragement, hugs or pep talks make someone walk away from a situation that they are not ready to walk away from. What made me walk away? The look in my little boys eyes of familiarity and acceptance of seeing his mother hurt.
These are the memories I have to live with day in and day out for the rest of my life. Not only my memories but the fear that I didn’t get out soon enough.
I share this because maybe someones moment comes from reading my story. it is my hope that one day a woman who is scared, alone, and lonely will have a single moment of clarity, that a ha moment when she knows for sure that it Is time, the no time like the present , the life or death decision to save your family, that moment, that one moment , tiny split second moment when the hardship of being a single mother doesn’t matter because it is your job to Protect at all costs the lives that God himself saw fit for you to create.
Do you have any idea the amount of stress a child is under when they feel like they have to chose between the parent that beats the other and the parent who is always there but has to discipline them? The journey, my journey, our journey as mothers starts at conception and never ends. Raising children is hard enough but add abuse and the situation is intensified to unquantifiable magnitudes.
I beg any one in an abusive situation to see past their immediate circumstance and see the little faces that get lost in the shuffle. We hurt, they hurt, we end up causing them pain we try our hardest to protect them from. As unintentional as it is we do. The tears I have shed at night after the bedtime stories have been read, after prayers have been lifted up on angel wings to Gods ears , and after my little mister has been tucked away in his room hurt more than the ones I shed after being punched in the head, slapped in the face, pushed down stairs while pregnant and kicked in the stomach. Because some of the memories may be pushed into the recess of his mind , but the feelings of vulnerability, of being scared and being in a broken home last a lifetime. My son suffered from extreme separation anxiety for years because out of sight meant that somewhere his mommy was being hurt. Several phone calls a day from school the moment I pulled off the curb, missing days of work because school was just too much. He once got suspended because two kids were fighting and he tried to break it up but ended up fighting with the bully who was picking on another kid. Ladies and gentleman we call this PTSD, yes my baby is living with a condition that men and women who come back from war have. Heartbroken, guilt ridden, sad, depressed you name a sad adjective I’ve been there, still there and to boot his father told him I didn’t want a family anymore. I’ll leave you with that parting thought.
I am a survivor and I want women everywhere to survive with me.
For help or more information in your area on Domestic Violence visit one or all of these sites (all sites are anonymous) http://www.thehotline.org or http://www.nnedv.org or http://www.ncadv.org
Signing off if Kita can do it so can you Small xoxo